Monday, December 17, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Poly on Huff Po
Well, I was trying to get some work done--it's been hard lately--Mr. Man and I have had a lot of guests over the past couple of weeks, and then we both had the flu (he smokes way more than I do but he's gotten over his cough, while mine lingers--where is the justice in this world?) and my still-stuffy head makes it tough to concentrate on fun stuff, let alone working, so I drifted to the Huffington Post and was surprised to see a header in the Living Section that read: The Case for Open Relationships. Eagerly, I clicked the link and found a smart piece on polyamory, written in response to a recent article entitled How to Be Faithful, by one Rachel Kramer Bussel. Who is this woman, with enough clout to bring poly into the (lefty) mainstream? A visit to her website led me to wonder which of my friends in NYC must know her...because even in a town as large as NY, poly folks and their friends tend to network, and pervy-minded women who love cupcakes in particular. I was thrilled to see that she made mention of The Ethical Slut, a book that I stole from an old girlfriend (talk about ethics) but only after she acted like it was old news and she was too cool for it. She also mentioned some new books coming out in 2008, including one by the hot, queer and insidiously anal Tristan Taormino.
My own sweet thing and I have always assumed that we would open our relationship at some point, in some way that we haven't finished talking about. We may be avoiding the topic--we decided to keep it monogs when we first got together in NY, as he knew that he was moving soon and we agreed that we were so crazy about each other that with such a limited time frame it wouldn't make sense to hang out with anyone else. But even since I decided to join him here in Baltimore, even since I've been here, living with him full-time, we haven't had a conversation about it. But I think that's all ok--maybe we're not avoiding it...I think that there should be a period in a new relationship that is all about soaking that person up, and I think that moving in together is a big step, and it's best to take one thing at a time. We both believe in the principles of polyamorism (am I spelling that wrong, or does Blogger just refuse to believe that polyamorism is a word?) but I would admit that for my part, I'm nervous about the level of trust and communication required to make it work. But I guess that's the point, right?
My adorable blogger friend, Rouge, posted an entry the other day about how she wondered whether her finding love made her blog, which had documented the searching and finding of that love, obsolete. I didn't comment, but wanted to say that being in a close romantic relationship, we dredge up baggage even more intriguing than we do when we're single, which makes for good reading, but probably more importantly, we stand to grow in these relationships in ways that we don't while we're single (I don't mean to knock single--there's lots of good stuff that happens while we're there, too).
Poly gets such an unfairly bad rap in the media--well all around, really--that it's not even funny. I remember running across some articles, as a high school senior, that talked about non-monogamous cultures, and thinking that I was a little crazy for thinking that it made so much sense. It wasn't until I stumbled upon a couple of poly lesbians and started sleeping around their circle that I ever felt validated in my non-monogamous impulses. But I myself, long the free-wheeling bachelorette, have only ever dated people who were in relationships--I've never navigated dating outside of a primary relationship, and if it didn't come across in my second paragraph, the prospect frightens me. In the big picture, I would posit that an open relationship could lead to a level of honesty and trust and growth that could be amazing. Maybe that scares me too. All the same, I expect that the boy and I will be having a chat about our status soon--probably in about 10 minutes, when he finishes reading this post.
I can hear him now: "So, baby, did you want to talk about something?"
My own sweet thing and I have always assumed that we would open our relationship at some point, in some way that we haven't finished talking about. We may be avoiding the topic--we decided to keep it monogs when we first got together in NY, as he knew that he was moving soon and we agreed that we were so crazy about each other that with such a limited time frame it wouldn't make sense to hang out with anyone else. But even since I decided to join him here in Baltimore, even since I've been here, living with him full-time, we haven't had a conversation about it. But I think that's all ok--maybe we're not avoiding it...I think that there should be a period in a new relationship that is all about soaking that person up, and I think that moving in together is a big step, and it's best to take one thing at a time. We both believe in the principles of polyamorism (am I spelling that wrong, or does Blogger just refuse to believe that polyamorism is a word?) but I would admit that for my part, I'm nervous about the level of trust and communication required to make it work. But I guess that's the point, right?
My adorable blogger friend, Rouge, posted an entry the other day about how she wondered whether her finding love made her blog, which had documented the searching and finding of that love, obsolete. I didn't comment, but wanted to say that being in a close romantic relationship, we dredge up baggage even more intriguing than we do when we're single, which makes for good reading, but probably more importantly, we stand to grow in these relationships in ways that we don't while we're single (I don't mean to knock single--there's lots of good stuff that happens while we're there, too).
Poly gets such an unfairly bad rap in the media--well all around, really--that it's not even funny. I remember running across some articles, as a high school senior, that talked about non-monogamous cultures, and thinking that I was a little crazy for thinking that it made so much sense. It wasn't until I stumbled upon a couple of poly lesbians and started sleeping around their circle that I ever felt validated in my non-monogamous impulses. But I myself, long the free-wheeling bachelorette, have only ever dated people who were in relationships--I've never navigated dating outside of a primary relationship, and if it didn't come across in my second paragraph, the prospect frightens me. In the big picture, I would posit that an open relationship could lead to a level of honesty and trust and growth that could be amazing. Maybe that scares me too. All the same, I expect that the boy and I will be having a chat about our status soon--probably in about 10 minutes, when he finishes reading this post.
I can hear him now: "So, baby, did you want to talk about something?"
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